and so it begins...

Hi Friend!

Welcome to my blog, Nurse Yourself! My name is Haley, and I’m glad you’re here! This is a space where I will lay out all my struggles, insecurities, thoughts, and feelings in hopes that my personal tumultuous journey can help those going through their own.

           First off, I’d like to tell you a little bit about me. I’m a 25-year-old Registered Nurse who was once summed up by a best friend as, “Haley - loves travel and margaritas.” Nothing more accurate has ever been said about me.

Although my hometown roots are in Michigan, I’ve had a sort-of permanent address in North Carolina for several years now. I say sort-of because I’m currently living a nomadic lifestyle as a Travel Nurse. I know that’s a job title you usually see under the name of a woman on The Bachelor, but it actually is a real profession. In short, I move throughout the country about every four months, striving to be a positive influence in the lives of my patients wherever I go.

           People who know me well would not describe me as anxious, depressed, or full of pride with a huge perfection complex. But I’ve had all of those afflictions. I’m just excellent at hiding, lying, and acting - only letting people see what I want them to see.

That’s a large part of why this blog has been a long time coming. I’ve lived in fear for far to long of letting it all out and allowing others in. This dialogue is my first step out from under that fear.

           Back in August 2017, I left my dream job at Duke University Hospital to pursue my even bigger dream of travel nursing. When I started this adventure, I thought I’d capture it in a blog about nursing struggles, travel dos-and-don’ts, and interesting patients. I figured I’d connect it to my Instagram, pull the nursing and travel demographics, become an “influencer,” … I totally had you going there for a minute, didn’t I? But you get the idea. I wanted to share my unique experiences with others.

But then life sucker-punched me in the gut that fall.

           I had achieved everything I had been striving for. I had my dream job, the most beautiful new-build apartment in Uptown Charlotte, NC, where I was living with the man I was positive I would spend the rest of my life with. I had the same group of truly incredible friends I’d had since forever, plus a supportive family to top it all off. I talked to God occasionally and said my prayers every night. I was healthy, and all around successful. I had it all. Absolutely nothing to complain about.

And yet, I was still crying myself to sleep most nights. Barely able to look myself in the mirror, I was constantly wondering how I had everything I wanted, yet still had this poignant hollowness in my soul. How could it all be right and yet feel so wrong?

           Naturally, I did what any well-educated, strong, independent young woman would do. I convinced myself that the gnawing feeling would go away because there were worse problems in the world. I mean, my life looked great. I was happy enough. It would work out. Change was always challenging for me at first, but I would eventually appreciate it, right? I could handle this. Then came that classic phrase echoing in my mind, “I’d be fine.”

My new assignment was on a unit with the most toxic environment I’d ever experienced. But this was my dream job, so I’d be fine.

I’d moved to a new city to give my relationship its’ second shot, not having any other friends in town, but I’d be fine.

Sometimes my relationship didn’t make me happy, but we were probably getting married, so I’d be fine.

           Let me give you a spoiler; I was NOT fine. Every coping mechanism I thought I had mastered was in fact setting me up for epic failure. It was like in Titanic when the captain orders the last boilers lit to pick up speed and Bill Paxton’s character says “Twenty-six years of experience working against him … everything he knows is wrong.” That was me. Captain of my own life going full steam ahead, thinking I had all the capability to handle any situation on my own. In reality, I had 23 years of experience working against me. Everything I thought I knew was wrong.

But little did I know, as I was watching the life I worked so hard for crumble, God had some SERIOUS plans for me. Plans for my faith, my career, for my mental, emotional, and physical health. Plans far greater than the ones I had for myself (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV).

           This is what Nurse Yourself is all about. How I had everything I wanted, and yet was wildly unhappy. How I lost almost everything, but ended up finding myself. How I let go of my pride and perfectionism to follow God’s plan instead of my own. And most importantly, how I learned that before I could nurse others back to health, I had to first nurse myself.