The thing is, as a medical professional, I can tell you what you should be doing until I’m blue in the face. However, it is entirely your choice to take my advice or not. You have free will.

Humans tend to not do anything, unless it directly affects them. Because frankly it’s all about [insert your name here]. When it affects you, or someone you love, THEN you care.

Take a look around…

The person not wearing a mask at the grocery store, probably doesn’t have any family members in the medical field.

The white man rolling his eyes at another “Black Lives Matter” headline, probably has never experienced racial injustice.

The woman who drives past the prison on her way to work probably doesn’t think twice about the justice system because she’s never been arrested.

Of course these are sweeping generalizations I penned to make a point, but stay with me here.

The pandemic we’re experiencing in our society right now isn’t from a coronavirus, it’s from PRIDE. Coronavirus is weakening our immune systems, but pride is weakening our humanity.

All around me I see people putting their personal needs above the needs of others…

Not wearing a mask because the government can’t tell you what to do. PRIDE.

Not being anti-racist because you’re not a racist, so you’re all good. PRIDE.

Not reflecting on the world around you because your day to day hasn’t changed. PRIDE.

I’m not over here preaching from my soap box. I personally know just how insidious pride can be because I used to wear it like a badge of honor for years. YEARS. I used to be the BIGGEST vector for this virus. And I was asymptomatic! Outwardly, I was a decent human being, a productive member of society, who always tried to do the right thing, but my inner monologue was full of selfish ambition and personal pride. I lived my life genuinely thinking I was better than some people and that I deserved everything I achieved because I worked hard. Aggressive eye roll.

I didn’t even notice that that mentality was wrong until living such a selfish way lead me to becoming wildly unhappy, anxious, and depressed, and I finally had a “coming-to-Jesus.” Literally I came to Jesus in dire need of help. In that moment of anguish He said to me, “It’s not about you, it’s about your patients,” and it finally became so perfectly clear that my perspective was the problem. My pride was my problem.

Did I immediately start seeing things differently? Nope. Every day I slowly worked on changing my perspective, letting Jesus transform my thoughts. The change in my perspective changed my heart, and my change of heart changed my life. This change is STILL happening every day for me. That’s the thing about pride; it’s a sneaky sin. You have to mind your pride or it can creep up in you unnoticed.

Combatting pride is constant, daily work. THIS is the work that should be being done in our homes, amongst our friends, and in our communities right now. We should be having discussions about pride, superiority, and entitlement with each other and hard conversations with ourselves in the mirror about our internal dialogue.

You may have heard the sentiment lately that ‘to change the world we have to change our homes, to change our homes we have to change our hearts.’ Well, I want to take that one step further and say that to change our hearts, we have to change our perspectives. It’s not about you, it’s about every other human being.

Wearing a mask isn’t about you, it’s about protecting that person you pass in the grocery store. Educating yourself about racial injustice and systemic racism isn’t about you, it’s about helping your neighbor down the street. Taking inventory of yourself during this time of isolation isn’t about self-care for you, it’s about learning how to be a better member of the community, for the community.

We have a serious pride problem in this country. In this world.

Galatians 5:13 says, “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather serve one another humbly in love” (NIV).

Serve one another HUMBLY in love.

You have free will. You’re free to make your own choices. But are you being a good steward of that free will? Are you indulging yourself or are you serving others humbly?

Wear your mask because it’s an act of serving one another humbly in love. Pick up a book by an author of a different race because understanding another’s perspective is an act of serving one another humbly in love. Have tough conversations in your home, with your parents, with your children, because it’s an act of serving one another humbly in love.

Mind your pride. Change your perspective. Nurse yourself.

Today I tuned into service at Passion City Church in Atlanta, GA, where I used to attend church while on travel nursing assignment there. Louie Giglio, Sadie Robertson Huff, and Tim Tebow brought a FIRE sermon this morning! But it’s what Sadie said that really sparked a change in perspective for me as a nurse.

While there may not be a cure for COVID-19, there is a cure for death, and His name is JESUS CHRIST! Mind blown. What a statement!

Lately, at the hospital, I seem to be surrounded by death. Every day I come into work, I hear about who we lost overnight and who may not make it through today. The amount of body bags we have stocked is heartbreaking. While I’ve tried to maintain a positive outlook and focus on our recovery numbers, to be honest, those we've lost have been weighing on my heart heavier this week. There doesn’t seem to be an end in sight quite yet.

But the end is in sight for God. God knew I needed to hear this sermon today. That I needed to be reminded that while this has been a hard week for me, it was a hard week for Jesus, too. And look what came from that! I was reminded today that my Savior bore everything for me, so surely I can bear this struggle and shine God’s light in the midst of it all.

We are not in control. We have never been in control. We will never be in control.

God is in control. The same God that raised Jesus from the dead two-thousand years ago, is the same God that knows my name, and knows yours. He is the same God that has numbered the days that this pandemic will ravage this world, and knows the day that our quarantines will end.

God never changes. He is the same today, the same yesterday, the same tomorrow. And HE IS SO GOOD! He is so good you guys! I can say that with 100% certainty, with every fiber of my being, even though I will walk into work today knowing that someone took their last breath there last night.

Today is Easter Sunday and THE GRAVE IS EMPTY! Jesus’s grave, and YOUR grave. While our physical bodies may die, we get to live forever with God in Heaven for eternity and that is the perspective that I needed to hear today. While I may look upon the bodies of those that have passed on, I hope and pray that they have gone HOME.

Take some time to nurse yourself today by nursing your soul. Pray. Crack open your Bible. Whether your Bible has accumulated dust on your bookshelf, or whether you’ve never opened a Bible, or whether you don’t even have a Bible to open...that’s okay! God still loves you anyway! Break it out or download it today. I promise YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.

Happy Easter! He is Risen, indeed! Let Jesus nurse your heart and soul today!

With that being said, if you’re looking in increase your help from home, here are some tips I’ve compiled:

1.    Donate Personal Protective Equipment – Obviously, I know we’ve heard this over and over. But, now would be a perfect time to organize that basement or room in your house you’ve been avoiding since 2009. If you happen to come across any usable items such as masks, gloves, goggles, hairnets, or a hazmat suit you forgot you had, PLEASE donate to your local hospital!

2.    Baby Monitors – For all those parents out there! If you have old baby monitors that are collecting dust in your home please consider donating them to your local hospital. We are setting them up in patient rooms so that we can visualize our patients and hear/see alarms sounding without having to go into the room.

3. Sew the Love - If you can thread a piece of string through that tiny needle hole you are already a hero. If you use said needle and thread to create items for healthcare workers you are a legend. And as The Sandlot taught us,"Legends never die."  Recent studies show the cloth masks that everyone started making are actually not that helpful at protecting us from breathing in droplets. BUT, scrub caps protect us from the droplets that can land in our hair. If you have the ability to sew, consider looking up scrub cap patterns and donating to your local hospital!

4.    Feed the Frontline – What a great movement! But let me tell you, over the last two weeks we have eaten our weight in baked goods, sub sandwiches, and pizza. While we needed these comfort foods as we processed the change in our job requirements, this is now our new normal and if you want to feed us, PLEASE feed us foods that fuel our bodies! Fruit trays, veggie trays, salads, carbonated waters, nut mixes, and protein bars would all be great additions!

5.    Crafts for Kids – If you’re homeschooling and looking for a project consider having your kids draw pictures or write notes to health care workers. It makes my day when I see letters in our breakroom from the community!

6.    Reach out to your healthcare friends – Text, FaceTime, Call, send a carrier pigeon. Just don’t smoke signal; people’s lungs are already having a tough time with Coronavirus. Reach out in whatever way you can! Be patient though in knowing that while it means so much to us, we can’t always respond promptly.

7.    Pray – We love Jesus here on this blog, but if that’s not your thing, it’s not your thing. I personally believe in the power of prayer and have asked all my friends and family to pray for me by name and for all healthcare workers. Matthew 18:20 reads, "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” There is POWER IN PRAYER TOGETHER!

8.    Stay Tuned to Nurse Yourself – Topics Coming Soon:

COVID-19 Without the Noise – breaking down what we know so far

The Face of the Frontline – what it looks like on the ground week to week

Healthy at Home – ways I’m fueling my body, my immune system, and protecting my mental health

Thank you for all your support as we brave this battle together! Head over to my Instagram to connect with me and let me know what topics you want more information on. Remember, you have the power to nurse yourself through this pandemic!

Yesterday I sat down to write my nursing shift note at the only computer available; the one outside the window of a deceased patients’ room. The body still lay there, and I could see it out of the corner of my eye as I charted. I wanted to get up and find another space, but I forced myself to stay because I want to remember what COVID-19 looks like; what this virus does to people. It does not discriminate on age, sex, orientation, socioeconomic status, or comorbidities. It’s coming for all of us, and we need to take it VERY seriously, lest it get the better of us.

After five years as a bedside nurse, having a front row seat to death’s destruction, I looked at this patient, not disturbed or disgusted, but heartbroken that this patient passed on without the presence of loved ones. It’s one thing to watch a person die, I’ve sadly seen it too many times to count. But to die alone….that’s different. Family is not permitted on the unit, even chaplains aren’t allowed in. It is just us and them. As I sat there, I prayed to God that this person went home to be with Christ. Because I figured if I didn’t pray over the body in this moment, no one else could.

People are dying. And while the tally increases on your television screens as you watch the nightly news, I don’t think you really comprehend what that means. People are dying. People who had years left to spend with their spouses, with their children, with their grandchildren, prior to this pandemic. People who had hopes and dreams, retirement trips planned, life experiences still awaiting, ChickFilA sandwiches left to eat. What is just a number on a screen to you is a physical body to me, and to all healthcare professionals across the country. We see what you can’t see. And while part of me wishes that you could, I’m glad that we take that burden on for you. I only hope that maybe by hearing this you will grasp the reality of the situation at hand.

People are dying. They’re dying without loved ones by their side. And the very real reality is that in the next wave of people to contract COVID-19 you could be the one that doesn’t make it. Or it could be your family member. Or it could be me.

Social Distance, please.

Stay home to protect yourself. Stay home to protect your family. Stay home to protect your elderly neighbor. Stay home to protect your healthcare staff. Stay home to protect your future. Stay home to protect me.

Stay home, please.

Do not gather with people who do not live in your household. Do not make excessive trips out. Do not go to the grocery store multiple times a week (I know it's hard, this foodie eats a lottt). Do not play pick up sports with your buddies. Do not have playdates with the neighborhood kids. Do not sit next to people on the couch playing video games. Do not go over to your neighbor’s for dinner.

You may not show symptoms, but at this point we should assume everyone is a carrier of COVID-19. You may pass it on to someone who doesn’t have your immune system, who WILL develop symptoms.

This is war. And while it’s not my first time fighting an invisible enemy, it is my first time doing so without the equipment I need to protect myself and without the backed science I need to successfully defeat it. Your healthcare staff are on the battlefield without a defense strategy, without ammunition, without armor, rationing supplies to keep ourselves alive, and the enemy isn’t just knocking at our ED door, it’s already infiltrated the front lines. COVID-19 will not be raising a white flag. We cannot do this on our own. EVERYONE has to pay attention and do what they can.

I promise I will go to battle for you. I am not afraid; this is what I’m called to do. I’m a nurse and I will do my job, but I need you to do yours, too.

Stay at home. Nurse yourself.

Follow along my nursing journey on IG @nurse.yourself --> Link below!

Haley Mae • BSN, RN, PCCN (@nurse.yourself) • Instagram photos and videos

travel nurse📍Michigan ••• faith | food | fitness ••• **Disclaimer: My opinions are my own

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I can’t very well write a blog based upon faith and how it’s changed every fiber of my life without starting at the beginning. So here it goes…my testimony.

I’ve never doubted God’s existence. That being said, never doubting God’s existence does not mean we’ve always had a stellar relationship. Far from it, actually.  

Growing up Evangelical Presbyterian, my earliest childhood memories of church are attending Sunday School and going to Vacation Bible School a week every summer (side note: Can we agree that was just free daycare for our parents? Where was the vacation for us?). Eventually I grew tired of coloring pictures of Jesus performing miracles and watching VeggieTales, and spent Sundays in service with my mom. But as I got older, life got busier. Being on a competitive dance company, conventions kept me traveling most weekends, which made church on Sundays less of a priority. And I’ve found that when you let anything slide down your priority list, it becomes pretty easy to forget altogether.

Missing one Sunday service turned into months of missed services, and being preoccupied with sports and school, my faith fell by the wayside. For the majority of my young adult life, I had what I like to call a boomerang relationship with God. I would go off into the world, but come back around to God if/when I needed something; round and round we went. Mainly superficial in nature, I would pray to either say thank you for my blessings or to ask for something I wanted. I’d heard that God was wonderful and had plans for my life, but I didn’t put much effort into finding out who He was or what He had planned for me. It wasn’t until the fall of 2017 that I boomeranged on back to ask God for help in turning my life around.

At the time I was working nightshift at my first travel nursing assignment, and I loathed it. Full of negative nurses and patronizing doctors, it was the most toxic environment I’ve ever experienced. More toxic than the image Britney Spears portrayed to young girls in the “Toxic” music video (yes, I did proceed to go watch that music video after writing that sentence. It’s so bad, it’s good). Back to the point…With a new career, renewed relationship, new city, essentially a whole new chapter, I was already struggling mentally with all the change. I didn’t notice at the time just how malleable my mind was, but being surrounded by the additional negative energy at work was just adding fuel to the fire. It was inevitable that I would soon combust.

I began to spend my nights off work sobbing on the floor of my guest room closest. It seemed like the logical place to ugly-cry, as it put three walls between me and my significant other sleeping in our bedroom. Plus, it had carpet, and I’d already discovered that having breakdowns on the bathroom tile just hurt my knees (Who’s been there? Anyone? Bueller?).

And so, this pattern went on for months, unbeknownst to anyone. Because, of course, I had convinced myself that I couldn’t tell anyone I was struggling. I was Haley, I always had it together. And I desperately wanted to maintain that image. It got to the point where it was such a usual activity for me, I can’t even tell you what I was crying for or about. I was just incredibly unhappy. Unhappy with my job. Unhappy with my choices. Unhappy with my actions. Unhappy because I had every reason to be happy and wasn’t. Going through the motions every day pretending that I was okay was starting to wear on me. And so, it was on a tear-filled night in the guest room closet that God spoke to me for the first time.

I was sitting on the floor, hunched over with my arm across my stomach, physically trying to hold myself together. I’d had enough. I was so incredibly exhausted of putting on a pretty face by day and smearing mascara all over it by night. The pattern had to change; I knew I had to change. But where to start, I had no idea… so I prayed out of desperation. On my knees, I folded my hands and prayed to God, begging Him to show me where to start. And when I stopped to catch my breath I heard a voice that simply said, “You’re thinking about it all wrong.”

Now, I had heard people say that God speaks to them, but I’d never understood exactly what that meant. I’d always imagined God’s voice like the voice of Zeus in Disney’s Hercules. You know, when Hercules goes to the temple of Zeus and the statue comes to life and Zeus is like “MY BOY!” in that big, booming, voice of his. I thought if God ever spoke to me it would be loud and powerful, so I’d know it was God. But it wasn’t like that at all.

At the time it happened, I wasn’t even sure what to call it. It wasn’t until several months later when I was reading Eat, Pray, Loveby Elizabeth Gilbert that I found an accurate description of the voice I heard that night. She writes, “It was merely my own voice speaking from within my own self. But this was my voice as I had never heard it before. This was my voice, but perfectly wise, calm and compassionate.”

It was my own voice that spoke that night in the closet. However, it was innately evident to me that although it sounded like my voice, it was not my own. It was, surprisingly, exactly as she described it. It was God speaking to me, through me.

After I heard, “You’re thinking about it all wrong,” my mind instantaneously jumped to several images of patients I had cared for over the last several weeks. The voice spoke again saying, “It’s not about you. It’s about them.”

And that was it. That’s all that was said. There was no bright light, no ground shaking. A few simple sentences were what completely changed my life. Because it was in that moment that I realized how misled in my way of thinking I had become. How selfish and prideful I had become. It was all about me. I’d never even considered He had given me a passion for travel and nursing to send me to places where people needed me.

Turning my life around didn’t happen all in one night, that took time. But I walked into work the next day thinking differently. Instead of thinking, “This place is terrible, what am I – a well-educated, well-trained certified nurse – doing here,” I thought, “This place is terrible, maybe I’m supposed to be here with my education and training to make a difference in a place that desperately needs it.” And suddenly, my life had purpose.

That night in the closet was my “rock-bottom” moment; my starting point. It was then that I chose to put my faith in God’s plan for me, not my plans for myself. As a result, over the last year and a half, there have been radical changes in my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health that have led me to a place of happiness and contentment with my life.

Are you struggling with something? Are you looking to change the negative mentality rut you may be in? Are you looking to expand your faith?

Follow along as I delve into how I got to where I am today by making my relationship with God a priority. And how through that relationship, I learned how to better nurse others back to health and how to nurse myself back to happiness.

Welcome to my blog, Nurse Yourself! My name is Haley, and I’m glad you’re here! This is a space where I will lay out all my struggles, insecurities, thoughts, and feelings in hopes that my personal tumultuous journey can help those going through their own.

           First off, I’d like to tell you a little bit about me. I’m a 25-year-old Registered Nurse who was once summed up by a best friend as, “Haley - loves travel and margaritas.” Nothing more accurate has ever been said about me.

Although my hometown roots are in Michigan, I’ve had a sort-of permanent address in North Carolina for several years now. I say sort-of because I’m currently living a nomadic lifestyle as a Travel Nurse. I know that’s a job title you usually see under the name of a woman on The Bachelor, but it actually is a real profession. In short, I move throughout the country about every four months, striving to be a positive influence in the lives of my patients wherever I go.

           People who know me well would not describe me as anxious, depressed, or full of pride with a huge perfection complex. But I’ve had all of those afflictions. I’m just excellent at hiding, lying, and acting - only letting people see what I want them to see.

That’s a large part of why this blog has been a long time coming. I’ve lived in fear for far to long of letting it all out and allowing others in. This dialogue is my first step out from under that fear.

           Back in August 2017, I left my dream job at Duke University Hospital to pursue my even bigger dream of travel nursing. When I started this adventure, I thought I’d capture it in a blog about nursing struggles, travel dos-and-don’ts, and interesting patients. I figured I’d connect it to my Instagram, pull the nursing and travel demographics, become an “influencer,” … I totally had you going there for a minute, didn’t I? But you get the idea. I wanted to share my unique experiences with others.

But then life sucker-punched me in the gut that fall.

           I had achieved everything I had been striving for. I had my dream job, the most beautiful new-build apartment in Uptown Charlotte, NC, where I was living with the man I was positive I would spend the rest of my life with. I had the same group of truly incredible friends I’d had since forever, plus a supportive family to top it all off. I talked to God occasionally and said my prayers every night. I was healthy, and all around successful. I had it all. Absolutely nothing to complain about.

And yet, I was still crying myself to sleep most nights. Barely able to look myself in the mirror, I was constantly wondering how I had everything I wanted, yet still had this poignant hollowness in my soul. How could it all be right and yet feel so wrong?

           Naturally, I did what any well-educated, strong, independent young woman would do. I convinced myself that the gnawing feeling would go away because there were worse problems in the world. I mean, my life looked great. I was happy enough. It would work out. Change was always challenging for me at first, but I would eventually appreciate it, right? I could handle this. Then came that classic phrase echoing in my mind, “I’d be fine.”

My new assignment was on a unit with the most toxic environment I’d ever experienced. But this was my dream job, so I’d be fine.

I’d moved to a new city to give my relationship its’ second shot, not having any other friends in town, but I’d be fine.

Sometimes my relationship didn’t make me happy, but we were probably getting married, so I’d be fine.

           Let me give you a spoiler; I was NOT fine. Every coping mechanism I thought I had mastered was in fact setting me up for epic failure. It was like in Titanic when the captain orders the last boilers lit to pick up speed and Bill Paxton’s character says “Twenty-six years of experience working against him … everything he knows is wrong.” That was me. Captain of my own life going full steam ahead, thinking I had all the capability to handle any situation on my own. In reality, I had 23 years of experience working against me. Everything I thought I knew was wrong.

But little did I know, as I was watching the life I worked so hard for crumble, God had some SERIOUS plans for me. Plans for my faith, my career, for my mental, emotional, and physical health. Plans far greater than the ones I had for myself (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV).

           This is what Nurse Yourself is all about. How I had everything I wanted, and yet was wildly unhappy. How I lost almost everything, but ended up finding myself. How I let go of my pride and perfectionism to follow God’s plan instead of my own. And most importantly, how I learned that before I could nurse others back to health, I had to first nurse myself.